Deepa Sai

I know I’ve laid my soul bare, but it may not resonate with many. People battling mental health issues—feel free to skip this piece in case this is triggering.

Trigger Warning: The piece includes some graphic descriptions of abuse.

At 17, my future aspirations revolved around a masters abroad with a cushy, high-paying job that would help me emigrate from India. But things changed after completing school. I came across several books that led me to develop a deep interest in Psychology. And that’s when I decided to pursue an unconventional career—of course, then followed a decade-long harassment, criticism and mockery about my skills and career choices. So, I grew up with low self-esteem, given that I was, at best, average in academics, which only fuelled the critics.

I spent a decade in the psychology and social work industries, witnessing a lot of shocking ground realities and horrors firsthand. The helplessness I felt while working with disadvantaged people on the ground put me in an existential crisis. Suffice it to say that I was suffering from an existential crisis and depression.

How could so much perversion exist in a world when humans are also capable of being humane?

A deep-seated resentment started forming in the depths, eating me inside out. It took several years to get back up, but I got into the workforce shortly after and faced more harassment and humiliation.

My guide at Christ University (also a social activist) told me that a horror we face in the impact industry is that we tend to develop apathy after working on the ground. We become indifferent to the injustice we face daily and numb when we see people suffer while working with and for them daily. So, one needs to be fuelled by anger to fight for causes we feel about, as that shows we still care.

My mental health did not let me stay long in the sector, and I tried to shut off by deluding myself that getting into some ‘corporate’ or mainstream job would eventually put me in a different world.

However, a part of me could never live in peace, knowing that all of India could live contentedly with all its basic needs addressed. But most of our population is living in an unjust and inequitable world because a few affluent folks of power are constantly satiating a never-ending greed for all things fancy.

I could never shut off from those ‘dark phases’ of my life. The resentment and helplessness grew in me, and more incidents of abuse and harassment from people at the top only fed it.

Knowing that victims of rape, sexual and physical abuse and children with multiple mental and physical disabilities were battling life below the poverty line and no kind of reform was going to bring any miracle to their lives broke me.

I’ve worked with orphaned children who’d been rescued from train tracks, cancer patients, patients suffering from severe depression and alcoholism, as well as degenerative neurological diseases, and people who attempted to burn themselves to death.

I’d also worked with dying children battling neurological disorders (because they grew up in the Kolar mines) where I spoke to them one weekend, and the following weekend, we battled with hospital authorities to give them a dignified funeral (cos in our country, transporting the deceased costs a ridiculous amount).

Something particularly shocked my soul, and it still haunts me. A teen with multiple mental and physical disabilities was quarantined for a severe crime. I wondered how someone dependent on another human for EVERYTHING in her life could have even attempted any crime. It turned out that she was raped and impregnated by a male nurse. She did not disclose this to anyone, and to avenge herself, she’d aborted her child by stabbing herself. According to them, she was not ‘mentally sound enough’ to fight for herself. So, the easiest way to solve the case was to quarantine her for murder.

People ask me, ‘Why are you so bullish on IMPACT’?

That’s because I can’t afford to be any other way AND stay sane.

This act of doing good arises from my need to feel good.

My inner demons never let me rest as I’m constantly fighting Imposter Syndrome (feeling I am not good enough no matter how hard I try) and Survivor’s Guilt that’s been fermenting inside me owing to the times when I had to practise as a psychologist or a social worker (between 2004 and 2013) for work, internship certificates and academic credits.

We live in such a ruthless world, and the fact that I am still better off compared to those I have been treating should be a good reason enough for me to practice gratitude? Be thankful that I am not a rape victim?

I want to channel my anger to create an impact and get avenged someday.

However, people say I can’t get far enough with pessimism, so I am learning to practice gratitude. I am thankful for all the good folks who are sincere about creating a positive impact.

I know my intentions are not from noble roots, but I urge you to CARE about a CAUSE.

If you want to do it for fame or power, please do! Right now, we don’t have the luxury to scrutinise where or why some are trying to do good. The horrors don’t seem to cease! As long as there is some positive impact, there is some respite for the tormented souls as well as the associated caregivers and impact workers battling mental health issues.